better_not_run

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 19:29:36 GMT

Great, so I feel extremely fucked off. I have a friend who really fucking likes this guy but she refuses to do anything about it, but she goes on about how she wants to go out with him all the fucking time. If she’s not willing to at least fucking talk to the guy then her fucking complaining and liking him is useless. I fucking hate when people purposely make themselves depressed, shit, just fucking get over it. Yeah I know that the guy she likes is her ex and all but she’s been told that he likes her so why doesn’t she just ask him what the fuck is going on. They only went out for like fucking two weeks anyways. She’s to damned soft.
She likes to go on about how no guys like her and I just feel like screaming at her ‘WELL NO GUYS FUCKING LIKE ME EITHER!’ seriously no guys like me but I don’t go on about it. I think that sometimes she says it to make me feel like shit.
I got B on my English GCSE, all my friends got A’s, that really fucking got tome, I should be happy with a B and all but it just made me feel like a fucking Dumbass.
I really hate myself right now.

blah

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 16:04:33 GMT

so i'm swapping rooms with Sabri and Kassim which means i'm going to have my own room.
i won't have much walking space but whatever i can deal with that.

We can let go because this will never go away chap.2

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 22:41:11 GMT

Hey here's the next chapter, thanks to toys4benji for being a kick ass beta

I must have fallen asleep because I wake up to the side of the mattress sinking and someone rubbing my lower back. I turn around and see Benji grinning down at me before he lowers his head and catches my lips in a short sweet kiss. I shift over so that he can climb in next to me, it's only a single bed so we're squashed together but he still manages to pull me closer to him and sling his arm around my shoulders.

"You okay Joely?"

I push my head further into his side and nod yes; I don't want to tell him when I'm just content to lay here. He accepts my nod and starts to hum a song lowly, his fingers are gently rubbing up and down my side making me shiver slightly.
It's nice when we're able to just lay like this, we just talk or make-out for hours, enjoying just being near each other. My eyes start to sting with tears when I think about how happy Benji makes me because I know that after I tell him I'm pregnant he could very well break up with me. His fingers are now running over my belly, little does he know his child is growing in there. Even if he doesn't break up with me we won't be able to do this without sneaking around more than we do now, I seriously doubt that mom would let us keep sharing a room after she finds out just how close we are.

I wonder if she'll kick us out of the house?

I don't know how I'd handle it if he broke up with me, we wouldn't be boyfriends anymore but we'd still be brothers. I'm sure that if he does break up with me than I'll have to leave the house anyway. I'd up going crazy and killing myself if I couldn't have him. I wouldn't be able to handle living in the same house as him without being with him.

The words float through my skull repeatedly.........

I'm pregnant..........

I need to tell him carefully, the way he finds out could dictate the future of our entire relationship. I lift my head to tell him and find him staring down at me, I lower my head again quickly but pull it up right after, I need to tell him, I can't back out. He's still staring at me, he's not grinning or scowling, he's just staring, like he's trying to memorize me. I open my mouth to tell him but the words won't come out to I shut it again, I do this repeatedly until he giggles at me.

"You look like a fish."

I give him a small smile in return and blush slightly.

"What's wrong?"

His arm is still around my shoulder and I get a mental picture of him pulling it away and leaving me.

"I'm pregnant."

I'm looking down and my voice is barely even a whisper so I don't think he even heard me.

"Huh?"

I look him in the eye and see worry, worry for me. I really don't want to do this, it's going to ruin everything but I have to, I hate this.

"I said, I'm pregnant Benji"

I know that he heard me that time. I'm still looking at him and he's still staring at me, his face is completely devoid of emotion and it's scary. His body is completely tensed up not moving. He pulls his arm suddenly from underneath me and sits up. He slings his legs over the side of the bed and his face falls to his hands. He just sits there in silence not crying, not talking, nothing. He turns his head to me abruptly and his forehead is creased in pure confusion. I sit up and try to put my arms around his waist to comfort him but he pushes them away and stands up.

"Don't fucking touch me, how the fuck could you let this happen Joel?"

His face is bright red and he's screaming very loudly, his arms are flapping around like he's trying to fly. I haven't got a fucking clue as to how to handle this so I just sit there shocked.

"It was an accident, I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear Benji"

"An accident! Yeah well your little fucking 'accident' just cost us everything Joel. How the fuck do we tell this to mom? She doesn't even know we're gay!"

His hands are clasped in front of him like he's praying and he's right in my face shouting full volume. The next thing I know is I've started sobbing that I'm sorry and Benji's pulling his shoes back on. I notice this and jump off the bed to stand in front of him.

"Please don't go, I need you here"

I can barely speak through my sobs and I can't see for shit. He doesn't say anything, he just goes. He walks right on past me, down the stairs and slams the front door behind him. Instead of running after him I run to the bedroom window and see him bolting down the street. There's nothing more I can do but crawl back under the covers of his bed and cry. My whole bodies shaking with sobs, I have never, in my entire life felt pain like I can right now. Getting run down by a car when I was 11- a piece of piss compared to this. My eyes are squeezed shut just trying to keep my tears inside but my pillow is still wet and getting wetter, from all the tears that won't stop.

He hates me, he fucking left me......

My body seriously can't fucking handle this, I'm going to pass out soon I know it.
I get up and go to the bathroom cabinet that holds all our families different medications. I look in the cabinet to see what I can take and find moms sleeping pills, the doctor gave them to her months ago but she's always refused to use them.
I take out 4 of the little blue pills and swallow them; I turn on the faucet and duck my head underneath the cold tap. I swallow as much cold water as I can; I've never been good with taking pills. I walk back into the bedroom I share with Benji and fall back into my own bed. I lay staring at the ceiling waiting for the unconsciousness that comes with sleep.

We cant let go because this will never go away

Mon, 29 Dec 2003 20:27:36 GMT

I'm new here so i thought id post something i started recently, this is the first MPREG i've ever written, comments are always welcome, so are flames. Oh and it's Benji and Joel

I fall unceremoniously onto the toilet, luckily for me the seat is down so my ass isn’t sitting in the bowl.
In push my back against the wall and pull my knees up to my chest and my head lands onto the wall next to me. I start hitting my head against the wall harshly and the hand that’s still holding the pissed-soaked white stick is shaking violently.
Positive
how the fuck could it be positive, there’s just no possible way this can be happening to me. God can’t seriously hate me this much.
I was never supposed to get pregnant, shit; I was never supposed to fall in love with my brother.
How am I going to explain this to Benji, he’ll be so upset, he’ll probably break up with me.
This stupid fucking thing that’s growing inside of me has just ruined my life.
I suppose we’ll have to tell the rest of the family about ‘us’ now, Jesus, ‘us’ is the last thing they need to know about but I can’t really keep it a secret, I think they’ll notice me having a baby.
Maybe I can have an abortion? Can guys even have abortions?
Nobody knows about me and Benji, it’s not really the kind of thing you’d want a lot of people to know about.
We’ve been ‘together’ for 3 years, since we were 15.
How the hell are we going to explain to our mom, like she hasn’t got enough problems.
It’s not like I can just sit her down and say mom I think you should know I’m gay, and in love with Benji, and also I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with his child. I can just picture the look on her face if I was to actually tell her like that, yeah right before she keels over and fucking dies on me.
I sniff loudly and wipe my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie; I dry my eyes with some tissue and stand up.
If I’m going to sit and cry it’ll be somewhere more comfortable than a sodding toilet.
I put the used pregnancy test in my back pocket not caring that I’d previously pissed on it. I may be dumb enough to get knocked-up by my brother but I’m not quite dumb enough to leave a used pregnancy test around.
I’d gotten rid of all the package as soon as I’d left the chemist; I contemplated stealing it just to save myself the embarrassment of paying for it.
I’ve seen enough movies to know how to take a pregnancy test without having to read the instructions. I did however make sure I knew what each of the coloured lines means. Blue for positive, pink for negative.
I swear that my heart stopped when it turned blue.
My bodies gone into auto-drive and I don’t even realise that I’m in Benji’s bed until I’m under the covers and crying.

I do it for the drugs

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 22:34:00 GMT

So I went to Eastbourne yesterday and bought all my shit. I bought a pair off black stilettos and when I went to pay for them the lady who was working in the store asked me if I was working today which was weird because A} I don’t work and B} I had never seen this lady before in my life, so Vicky was just looking at her weird and I aid “no I’m going shopping today” trying to play along.
So we went to Eastbourne, it was me, Vicky and Tagan.
I went to buy my rad dress and I tried it on and it was too fucking big, it was a size 8 which is usually my size, I asked for a 6 but they didn’t have any so I had to resort t buying a different dress, it’s cool though, I also bought my trilby hat and wore it all day, I was wearing a full suit as-well.
I bought a new beanie its black with two white stripes up the sides and a white star in the middle. I bought new 3120’s from re-al, the guy who was working in there was so fine and there was a guy in there with his girlfriend and he looked like branden from The Used.
I’m fairly sure that I was pissing Tagan and Vicky off all day.
I went into like 6 different music stores and none of them had either the GC DVD or the new Mest album.
I went into power-play and they had the very best of Morrissey CD and I thought that I’d see why Joel likes him so much and I bought that and a stereophonics single. I also got a new GC poster and I got it free.
Some drunken guys came up to us and asked Tagan’s boyfriend if he had money spare and I asked him if he’d buy me Vodka, and he did. I got a quarter bottle.
I went to my nanas for her and my granddads anniversary and because I was so tired I went to sleep in my auntie’s room. And my granddad caused an argument about how I’m on drugs. I don’t know how he got this idea but he thinks I’m on drugs. HA FUCKING HA.

Merry fucking christmas

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 20:48:11 GMT

Well, well, well, it’s Christmas Eve and I keep getting randomly excited.
My dads only caused one big argument and stormed out of the house once but I’m sure there will be plenty more where that came from.
We went to Eastbourne Yesterday and I bought 3 pairs of trousers and 2 jumpers. One of the jumpers is black and white striped and my friend has now christened it my ‘Emo’ jumper.
In select I found my dream outfit, it is so fucking beautiful. It’s a 50’s style above the knee dress; it’s made of really cool material which is close at the top and poufs out at the bottom. It’s black and has a pink ribbon around the waist.
My momma is giving me the money to buy it after Christmas because it’ll be reduced in the sales. I’m also getting a pair of black pointy stilettos, a black trilby hat and fishnet stockings to go with it, it will look so rad. Vicky said she’ll get the same so did Tagan so we’ll all look like fools together :}
I have been so stoked.
I keep randomly grinning like a fool.
I was up late last night and at like 3am I wrote this, I don’t know why, it’s not finished and I doubt it ever will be.

Have you ever loved somebody? And left them?
I have. I left the man who I loved the most in the world, the man I’d die for, because I knew that I was no good for him.
I never fully got over it, I couldn’t, and even though it was my fault I was still shattered.
I think back on the stuff we did together, I remember movies we watched, I remember conversations we had and it makes my heart crack that little bit more. I won’t let it fully break. Letting it break would be like dying and I’m not that weak yet.
It was hell at first though, I not only left him but I unintentionally left my best friend as well, his brother Benji. I couldn’t very well stay friends with him after crushing Joel like I did, so I told him good bye and I left. It hurt almost as much as leaving Joel. Almost.
So I had nobody to talk to, or that I wanted to talk to.
I remember about 7 months after we’d split up, somebody, Danny I think, had asked me how Joel were doing, he hadn’t seen me in ages and the last time I’d seen him I was still with Joel. Just as I thought I was finally getting over him those 4 little words sent me back.
How is Joel Doing?
4 fucking words.
It was just his name actually; it still gets to me when I look in magazines and see his face, see his music videos, he’s everywhere I look yet nowhere to be found.
It’s a fucking ridiculous paradox.
I know that I had to leave him though, he deserved somebody better than the infamous fuck-up that is Tony Lovato, I always screw up, all my life it’s been the same, always doing the wrong thing at the worst possible time. I knew it was just a matter of time before I did something to ruin what we had, I couldn’t deal with knowing that.
He’s moving on though, I know he is matt told me all about his new girlfriend. I can’t say that I’m upset, there’s just no use in it, I knew he’s get over me it was just a matter of time. I just hope she’s all he deserves.
He was so shocked when I told him that I was leaving. That’s the only thing I regret, the way I ended it. We were watching Donnie Darko, and I was trying to think of how to tell him, I knew he’d be upset, most likely cry. I just blurted it out, right after his favourite part of the movie, the part where Donnie tells that Patrick Swayze dude that he’s the fucking Anti-Christ. I could see the confusion on his face, there wasn’t even pain at first, just confusion. Explaining it was hard too. He wouldn’t except that I needed to leave and kept telling me that I was worth more than I thought, but I refused to believe him, even as he was crying, begging me to take my words back. I swallowed that dry lump in my throat, ignored the stinging in my eyes and told him that I no longer loved him. That will go down as the biggest lie ever told.
He seriously looked like a puppy would after it’d been kicked in the face.
I avoided him like the plague after that; I couldn’t look him in the eye.

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 18:31:35 GMT

i don't know why but i feel the need to cry.

i met a girl who kept tattoos for all the homes she loved

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 15:52:58 GMT

Man I hope kids are nothing like Sasha’s, they are actual little bastards.
I babysat for them last night whilst Sasha and Rob went to get drunk at the pub.
I was paid £15 for it though so that’s okay.
I watched Charlie’s Angels 2 which has the fittest Irish guy in it.
I really need to go see Adele to give her present to her; it’s nearly Christmas for fucks sake.
Vicky told me that Adele got me 3 litres of Cider for Christmas so I’ll have to get that from her.
Last night, for reasons beyond me, I cut the word Tom into my knee; it freaks me out that I actually did that.

Well, maybe this time I can follow through, feel complete

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 03:31:43 GMT

I feel genuinely content for the first time in ages, I’m good with myself.
I’m getting my bass, I have friends who love me, and I know what I’m doing in college,
I am happy
Part of the reason I’m happy is Tom. It’s been so fucking long since I’ve had a proper crush on someone that I’m actually shocked by it.
I’m really happy with just liking him, just getting that weird feeling in my stomach that I never get around anyone. It’s the feeling that you hear about but never understand until you experience it. I enjoy waking up in the mourning and thinking even if the day is shit at least I’ll see him, I like to stare at him whenever I see him.
I like it that he doesn’t know I exist.
I had a dream about him the other day and I woke up with a smile for once.
I’m sitting here with the biggest fucking smile on my face and tears in my eyes and I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Something Corporate own me right now, seriously Andrew has one of the best fucking voices.
In college I’m going to do Media Studies, Italian & Spanish, English Lit, Philosophy, Music and possibly Art Textiles.

how can you judge me you don't even know who i am

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 02:57:36 GMT

The Generic Teenager Stereotype
Do you drink [alcohol]?: yes
Do you party a lot? How often?: Never
Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: Nope
How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: probably more than I should
Do you skip classes? How often?: I used to skip all the time but I don’t see the point anymore
Do you have casual sex? Protected?: No
Do you steal?: not anymore
Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: Not really
Do you drool over celebrities?: a certain few
Do you watch a lot of TV?: No
Do you ever watch the News?:yes
Do you even care about world issues?: Yes
Do you read books often?: I go through phases where I never read, then I go through phases where all I do is read.
Are you failing a lot of your classes?: yes pretty much all of them
Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: No
Do you smoke cigarettes?: No
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: No
Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: No, I was shocked as hell when I started fancying Tom since I never fancy people
Do you cuss a lot?: Like a sailor.
Are you desperate to fit in?: No I can’t be bothered with it all
Are you intelligent?: when I try

The Goth Stereotype
Black lipstick?: occasionally
Black eyeliner?: usually
Black eyeshadow?: No
Black trenchcoat?: I fucking wish
Black boots?: I want Tagans huge boots
Black fishnets?: No
Black nail polish?: Not usually
Cigarettes?: Nope
Heavy metal music?: Not really
Marilyn Manson?: I like some of his music
Kittie?: shite
Cradle of Filth?: shite
Constant frown and perpetual angst?: it’s hidden so that’s a negative
Do you like to be seen as: Erm..
Are you an intellectual?: People say I am, but I don't think so.
An atheist?: I am questioning, not a total disbeliver.
Horrible home life?: worse than some, better than others
Hopelessly depressed?: I’m happy for the first time I can remember in the last two years
Suffering with suicidal idealations?: not anymore
Self-mutilation?: No

The Punk Stereotype
Plaid?: Not usually
Big black boots?: want ‘em
Mohawk?: getting one
Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: Not excessive just a lip ring and a couple of nose rings
Loud, confident and opinionated?: I can be very loud, yes to the rest.
Wild hair colors?: my hair is black now, not really wild…
NOFX?: they crack me up, I love them
Rancid?: yep
Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: Kinda
A: B

The Jock Sterotype
What's your IQ?: I don't know. I took an i.q test online. I doubt their accuracy. I got a n 80 which makes me a dumbass
Do you watch a lot of sports?: Not really
Play a lot of sports?: No
Talk a lot about sports?: No
Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: All the time
Are you arrogant?: Not really
Are you a male or female whore?: Nope
Are you homophobic?: No
Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: No. That's retarted.
But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: Heh
Boobs = yes?: YES
Parties = yes?: Sometimes
Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: nah not for me lol

The Girl Stereotype
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearance?: no
Have you ever been on a diet?: I wouldn’t call it a diet as much of an eating disorder
How much did you lose?: like 2 stone
Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: You know it
Make yourself throw up?: nope
Make-up?: no
Low-cut tops?: Fugly
How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: B :(
Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: no
Giggle a lot?: no
What's the deal with boys?: Girls are just as good so I don’t see what the big deal is
Thongs?: hurt
Pretty bras?: Uh, sure.
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: Not really
Who's the weaker sex?: Males
Are you a feminist?: Not really
Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: I used to be hyper obsessed with him but now I don’t see why, he’s okay
How often do you shave your legs?: whenever I remember to
How about your armpits?: the same
Are you emotional?: not really
Especially when on your period?: Yes

This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]
Originality or Acceptance?: Originality
Independence or Companionship?: Independence
Stability or Freedom?: Freedom
Personal or Interpersonal?: Interpersonal
Introvert or Extrovert?: Introvert
Popularity or Isolation?: Neither and both
Unique or Loved?: Loved
Understood or Individual?: Individual
You or Them?: me

BASICS:
> 01. Spell your first name back wards: arima
> 02. The story behind your user name: I was listening to The Runaway by Something Corporate and this is part of the song
> 03. How old?: 15
> 04. Where do you live?: England

DESCRIBE YOUR:
> 01. [Wallet]: Plain black with a nirvana keyring.
> 02. [Hairbrush] wooden
> 03. [Jewelry worn daily]: Jamaican beads
> 04. [Pillow cover]: Chinese writing I believe, my mum wanted my room to look ‘nice’
> 05. [Coffee cup]: I don’t drink coffee.
> 06. [Shoes]: Plain white sneakers
>07. [bag]: Big. Black

> 8. [Favorite top]: Nirvana or Foo Fighters shirt
> 09. [Favorite pants]: baggy jeans or pinstripe
> 10. [Favorite dressy outfit]: pinstripe suit
> 11. [Favorite shoes]: Tagans big army boots
> 12. [Favorite Cologne/Perfume]: none
> 13. [Song playing right now]: The Runaway-Something Corporate (I really love this song)
> 14. [Piercings]: the only ones I still have in are my ears but I did have two in my bottom lip
> 15. [What you are wearing now]: school uniform still.
> 16. [Hair]: Bangs in the front, short in the back, black
> 17. [Makeup]: none
> 18. [In my mouth]: My tongue.
> 19. [In my head]: SoCo

> 20. [Wishing]: That I have Tom
> 21. [After this]: going to post it, then I might go to sleep
> 22. [Eating]: Nothing.
> 23. [Fetishes]: necks, hips, kissing
> 24. [Some of your favorite movies]: Donnie Darko, The Breakfast club
> 25. [Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: going to the Blink show and just going to see the bands I like, and college
> 26. [The last thing you ate?]: cereal
> 27. [Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Pain, spiders, disappointing people I love.
> 28. [Do you believe in love]: yes
> 29. [Do you believe in soul mates]: Maybe.
> 30. [Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes
> 31. [If you could have any animal for a pet]: I wouldn’t
> 32. [Some of your favorite quotes]: I really can’t be bothered

> IN THE PAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
> 01. Cried: no
> 02. Bought something: food
> 03. Been kissed: No
> 04. Moved on: no
> 05. Talked to an ex: yes
> 06. Missed an ex: no.

> SOCIAL LIFE:
> 01. Best girl friends: Tagan, Adele, Vicky, Becky.
> 02. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: nope
> 03. I love to: Listen to music
> 04. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: Sometimes both.
> 05. Do you have a job: no
> 06. Do you attend church: Hell no.
> 07. Do you like being around people: Not really.

PERSONAL:
> 01. Who is your role model: Kurt Cobain
> 02. What are some of your pet peeves: Labels
> 03. Rather be the dumper or the dumpee: Dumpee, it’s less hassle
> 04. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
> 05. Want someone you don't have right now: yep.
> 06. Ever liked your best guy friend: yep
> 07. Do you want to get married: yes.
> 08. Do you know the person you will marry at this point in time: nope